No Focus

<sigh> Yes, I am well aware that I have been 1) working too much and 2) withdrawing from everyone & everything, except for hitting the snarky "like" button or posting superficial "updates" on FB. I have had a rough summer and lost my focus. After my son's brutal rejection of me, my fav cat ever dying, my prolonged studio move and my vehicle's slow demise I am simply worn out. I have gotten to that stage of life where I simply do not care. It is not depression. It is more like exhaustion. While I can usually handle change, I do so by having anchors. For me, now all the anchors are gone. I break even, paycheck to paycheck. The small amount I do set aside goes for non budgeted expenses such as car repairs & medical bills. There is no retirement money, my ex took that away years ago. So for me there is no carrot. I keep busting ass & working just to barely survive. There is no money for a vacation, no living in a place that is not harsh, no friends beyond local superficial aquintances, and nothing for which to look forward. I have even quit drawing, (although I occasionally force myself to do so), and seldom take more than cell phone snapshots for photographs. I feel like I have no focus. It is like jumping off a cliff and never hitting the ground. And the scary part is, I see this as never ending.

In an effort to try to push myself a bit I am going to try to start slowly posting photos again, maybe even some of my occasional rough sketches. I am also going to try to force myself to do things just for me. Things that benefit no one but me, something of which I have always had a rough time justifying emotionally because I feel terribly selfisf. I also am going to try to hike more and get in more gym time, both of which I used to enjoy.
I started last week by purchasing myself a big fluffy pillow that is only for sleeping. While I have pillows, they are decorative & serve more than one purpose. I cannot ever remember purchasing something "just" for sleep. I guess I am hoping that by going through the motions somewhere something clicks and I find focus or at least peace & rest for this path I am on.

Inside of my gig toolbag 

+ shoe grips for ice show.