I think part of my problem with this move, is that there is really nothing in it for me. Yes, I get a better studio, one with a concrete floor in which mice do not live. Yes, it is twice the size of the other and I will actually get some living space. Yes, for the first time in nearly 25 years, everything I own will be in one place. But putting all my eggs in one basket worries me a bit. It leaves me committed to a unstable place.
My biggest drawback is I have no motivation, so it is just dragging on. This is a lateral shift and one where I still have to be forever vigilant. I still have to live below everyone's radar in fear of getting found out. I still have to deal with limited access to water, with no ability to take a shower or bath at "home". I still have to deal with rodents, however much less extreme. I still have no real kitchen and have to sneak in preparation of foods. And I still have to deal with the inside weather extremes of 100+ in summers / 55- in winters. In otherwords, I can still never truly relax. It is not at how I ever envisioned living, let alone where I ever wanted to end up at this point in my life.
I am scared. So I do the move. So what? Not like anyone cares. And I think that too is part of the issue. I am not connected here. There is no place or person where I feel at "home". I long for that connection. I always am certain that if I was gone tomorrow no one would notice. Sometimes I just wish there was someone to hold and who just needed me, or a place where I was really part of the culture. Instead, I am always the outsider. And quite frankly, I do not feel like fighting that for too much longer.
"Oh were you sleeping?
I need cat treats."
On a good note I guess, while my furry friend is not really getting better, he is more stable and I seem to be managing his care. He still gets 3 pills a day, plus sub-q fluids. Yes, that bites me in the wallet, but he is worth it. He is more robust and is back to being cat king of the studio.
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